Last month, it finally happened: I got to cross off one of my biggest #lifegoals from my bucket list. Disney bingo. I’d been dreaming about it since I was fifteen: visiting all the Disney parks in the world. “Including all the water parks?” Arthur teased me. No, not including all the water parks. That would be tricky anyway, since one of them is now permanently closed. All the resorts. And then, within those resorts, all the theme parks. So Disneyland and California Adventure in Anaheim, Disneyland and the Disney Studios in Paris… You get the idea. And now that I’ve visited all the resorts, it’s time for a totally biased ranking. My favorite Disney resorts, ranked – drumroll – from least fun (6) to fantastic (1).

“What?! Blasphemy!” Disneyland in Anaheim, California is the real deal. The very first one, built by Walt himself. So why am I putting it in last place? I have to admit, it was a tough call. Numbers five and four are so close, they’re almost interchangeable. But when I asked myself, “where would you want to go again soon?”, it wasn’t Anaheim.

Let’s start with Disneyland Park. It’s old, and you can tell. Not only are some rides really below par (like the Matterhorn Bobsleds—probably nostalgic for Americans, but for first-time visitors just not up to Disney standards – here, for example), Disneyland Anaheim also seriously lacks proper queue design.

Walt probably never imagined his park would become this successful, because the lines aren’t themed at all, and in some areas they zigzag halfway through the park. At Pirates of the Caribbean, the line blocked the entire path to Critter Country, and it took us a while to even find the start. After a snappy lady snapped at us, we learned that the queue didn’t begin where the ropes started, but way behind that, where a poor cast member stood holding a sign on a stick: “Pirates queue starts here.”

California Adventure, the second park, was a lot more enjoyable. Even though it’s still the weirdest idea ever to build a park about California in California, the major overhaul really did the park good. California Adventure has a Soarin’, my all-time favorite Disney ride. But then again, Shanghai and Orlando (EPCOT) have one too, and I read that even Tokyo DisneySea is getting one. Whooo!

What also didn’t help the score was the crowd. Loud, obnoxious Americans everywhere. Oh, and the food. Also very American. So yeah: Anaheim, sorry. It’s not me, it’s you.

Just yesterday, de Volkskrant published an article about it—why it never really worked in Paris. Short summary: the French. They wanted nothing to do with that American park, with the forced friendliness, the hamburgers, the no-alcohol policy inside the park…

But blaming it all on the French is a bit of an oversimplification. Disneyland Paris was built around the same time as California Adventure, and Disney was just making really dumb decisions back then. Did they really think people would spend five days in a ridiculously expensive resort, when there was only one theme park and Paris was still a 45-minute RER ride away?

Things went downhill fast for the park, then still called Euro Disney. Ironically, they branded that name so well back then that 50% of Dutch people still call it that today.

Anyway, downhill it went, and Disneyland Paris fell into disrepair. Paint started peeling, entertainment was cut back, and the new attractions promised in the opening show within two years? Ha! Forget it. Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid never showed up—at least, not in Paris. The Little Mermaid can be found in California Adventure and Magic Kingdom in Orlando. Beauty and the Beast is coming to Tokyo in 2020.

Disneyland Paris is doing a bit better these days, and the park will always have a special place in my heart because it was my first. I really enjoy walking around Lake Disney, especially early in the morning, and I know the parks well enough to find some peace and quiet, even when they’re packed. But still. Extra minus points here too for the visitors (grumpy French, stingy Dutch, loud Spaniards and Italians—really, only the Brits are nice) and the bad food.

This park really has potential. It could have ranked much higher on my list if it weren’t so incredibly small. Hong Kong has no Pirates of the Caribbean, no Star Tours, no Haunted Mansion… When I visited, half a day was more than enough.

What Hong Kong does have, as the only one, is Mystic Manor. This ride seems to have replaced the Haunted Mansion and is genuinely awesome. Hong Kong also has beautiful mountains in the background, great food, and fun souvenirs. But they’d better do some serious expanding before I plan my next visit.

It was a tough call between numbers 2 and 3, but Orlando still ends up in third place for me. When I visited the park in 2013, I was shocked by the number of mobility scooters zipping around, carrying Americans with morbid obesity. The food served in the park explains a thing or two.

But! Walt Disney World in Orlando is cool! Four theme parks, two water parks, two entertainment districts, a bunch of themed hotels, and a sleek monorail connecting the pricier accommodations to the parks. Yes, this resort is huge.

The strange EPCOT, originally intended by Walt Disney as an experimental city, stole my heart in all its faded glory—though that’s secretly also a bit because the World Expo section has a real Japanese pavilion, with real Japanese people representing their country, and a little shop that sells real Pocari Sweat. Also in EPCOT: the awesome Test Track racing ride, and Mission\:SPACE, though I’d skip that one if I were you. It’s basically a souped-up fighter pilot centrifuge, and I was nauseous for half the day. I wasn’t surprised to learn someone once died on that thing.

A big surprise was Animal Kingdom, which turned out to be much more than a glorified zoo. And even our budget hotel, the All Star Music Resort, turned out to be totally fine.

I wrote a full review about it last year. “Very Chinese?” Yep. Shanghai Disneyland is very Chinese. It’s in China, after all, and Disney didn’t want to repeat the Paris mistake. So this time, no Main Street, USA. No fries, but tasty Chinese food. And honestly, why wouldn’t you make a steamed green bun shaped like Mike from Monsters Inc.?

In Shanghai, they didn’t build a half-baked mini-park like in Hong Kong. No, the plans for Shanghai were big from the start. The Pirates of the Caribbean in Shanghai is out of this world (video!), the specially developed TRON rollercoaster is amazing, and there’s plenty of space for future expansions. The low budget Toy Story Hotel was perfectly fine, with free Wi-Fi, slippers, bags, and toothbrushes, and a little restaurant where you could get steamed buns and lukewarm water. That last one felt a bit odd at first, but turns out it’s normal in China.

“But Toeps, if you criticize the American parks because of the crowds, what do you think of the Chinese then?” Yeah, I dunno. Maybe it’s just me, but I can tolerate loud Chinese people way better. Maybe because I don’t understand what they’re yelling about anyway, haha.

It’s probably no surprise, but firmly at number 1: Tokyo. Both Tokyo Disneyland and Tokyo DisneySea absolutely deserve this spot.

Some of my favorite attractions: Tower of Terror (in a special Hightower Hotel edition), Journey to the Center of the Earth (where you encounter strange creatures deep inside a volcano), Sindbad… But it’s not just the rides. The parks are beautiful and clean, the crowd is fantastic (oh, those adorable Japanese visitors with their matching T-shirts and Mickey Mouse ears and their plastic mats to sit on, and their joy, and their manners, and and and…), the merchandise is great, and the parks keep innovating.

By the way, did you know that the Japanese Disney parks aren’t actually owned by Disney? The Oriental Land Company manages them under a license from Disney. It’s one of many examples of Japan does it better: they take American Disney, add a Japanese twist, and tadaa: profit.

And profit they make. The average Japanese visitor buys an abundance of souvenirs, and all that money is reinvested directly back into the park. For 2020 (when the Olympic Games take place in Tokyo), several expansions are on the agenda, some of which I’ve already mentioned above. The only downside to this success? It can sometimes be very, very crowded.

I ended the day with the wonderful Electrical Parade, and after this relaxing Disney day, I hopped on the train at Maihama Station and was back home in just 45 minutes. Yet another thing to love.

And yeah, what now, right? Finding Nemo’s SeaRider just opened in DisneySea, so I’ll have to head back soon. For the Disney fans out there: What’s your favorite park? And why? Let me know!